A NEW LIFE.

[Steven]

For so long I was so lost. From my earliest memory, aged about 3 I had a really low opinion of myself, some sort of guilt, feeling like I was the worst person on this Earth. I knew I was different, but I hated that feeling and always felt self-conscious and uncomfortable with it. Due to abuse that started happening in my early childhood, I became emotionally and psychologically sick. But somehow I had a subconscious awareness of this. I had certain behaviours that I subconsciously knew were “not normal.” In adult life I witnessed similar behaviours in people I looked after in my work, which for some time was looking after people with autism/aspergers syndrome. These people fascinated me and I could just connect with them. But the difference between me and them, even as a young child, was this subconscious self awareness. I knew I had many strange quirky behaviours that were not “the norm.” And because of that I kept them hidden and would only indulge when on my own. I somehow knew that I would be deemed “weird” if people saw my obsessive rituals, rocking back and forth, to give two examples.

As I got older, due to the abuse at home I retreated into a world of my own as a way of escaping. At school I did have some good friends, but I was so lonely inside and spent a lot of time wondering the playground on my own, in my fantasy land. Even though I had friends, I didn’t fit into any particular circle, and I only had a “best friend” once, and he was a guardian angel. I’ll digress briefly to tell you about him;

I was being bullied, it had been going on for weeks. Not serious bullying, more like teasing, but it was really getting to me.

Then one day there was a new boy in my class; he was called Ben and we instantly became best friends. He saw straight away what the bullies were doing, and luckily he was bigger than the tallest bully. Lets just say he gave them a taste of their own medicine. They soon left me alone, for good. And then after just a week or two at our school, Ben just left. I know he was a guardian angel sent to help me for just that time.

And I continued to live in my fantasy existence until I got to age 14-15 approx, that’s when I started to become really aware of my being different and how different I was. From that age on, drugs became the centre of my life, and what with being mentally and emotionally unstable, aged 17 and after 10 months of heavy LSD abuse, my mind opened a bit too wide, (understatement). I was ridiculed by those around me who could “handle their drugs” and was a joke, not taken seriously by many people. And then there were those who believed I was a lost cause.

I spent the next 7 years approx. going on mad benders lasting months, having a breakdown, getting well and then doing it all over again. Round in circles for years. And as well as this I was dealing with my sexuality, in and out of abusive and unhealthy relationships, carrying on the cycle of abuse. That was the first chaotic 7 year cycle.

August of 2000 I came off heroin and had my first spiritual awakening. Although I had discovered faith with my first breakdown in ‘93, that was just me constantly praying to get through the mess. Shortly after my awakening, and I’ll cut a long story short, as mentioned in another blog, I met my first “spiritual” mentor. This though turned into another abusive relationship that lasted nearly another 7 year cycle. I got away from her on 7th February 2007, (I will always remember that date).

The last 2 years and 5 months have been a time of shedding a lot of old skins, and has been a really hard and long process. Since the start of my present 7 year cycle I have continued my battle against addiction (I am presently battling my second relapse since this cycle started). I have been opened up to spirit in a way which is still blowing my mind. I have had many hard lessons and wake up calls, including a near death experience.

The greatest battle started beginning of last year. Issues I have long been suppressing with my drug misuse, have come to the surface and slapped me across the face, my real shadow side and great darkness within staring me right in the face. Even the drugs don’t suppress it any more. It is time to face facts and take responsibility for myself. I have done things in my past many would call “Evil.” But what they wouldn’t be able to see or understand is the sheer self hatred and self loathing I‘ve felt, or that my drug use was in fact a slow form of suicide to destroy the person I hated most: myself. I have tortured and persecuted myself for many years because of things from my past, and certain others have persecuted me also, (which I actually thank them for making me aware of what needs dealing with).

That was one huge most-of-my-life phase that I have recently started emerging into the light from. The person I was feels like it was somebody else, a different person and not my experience. It all feels like a hazy dream, surreal at best, nightmarish at worst

But now things are so different, I actually find it hard to believe how my life has started to change. I had 2 big energy shifts last month; one on the full moon and then again on the solstice, (I don’t know if anyone else experienced similar around those times?)

Of course I still have my bad moments or days, but I am better equipped to deal with those times and generally think more positive. While I still have my cringes and guilty thoughts for my past evil deeds, I am beating myself up for them less, I know it was a very sick person that did them. I am starting to see my inner and divine beauty and can now look in a mirror without seeing a complete mess looking back. The drugs have lost a bit of a grip on me, although ultimately I will quit completely. I still feel “different” and like I stick out like a sore thumb, but I am not only feeling more comfortable with my differences but actually am starting to enjoy them and embrace them. I am starting to love myself, and rather than being surrounded by people who ridicule me and treat me like a joke, or try and stab me in the back, I am finding pure spirits who love me unconditionally, despite my “evil past,” people who respect me and look up to me, people who treat others like everybody deserves to be treated. The love that I have now drawn towards me is creating such miraculous healing within myself and my external world.

The people who used to take the mickey out of me and ridicule me for being a drug lightweight, a complete lost it case, and someone that is not worth respect or to be taken seriously would certainly get a shock if they could see what I am becoming. While sadly for them they don’t want to change, they are happy being oblivious in their drug induced haze, I am not only becoming someone I always wished to be. I am finding the real me which is more than I ever would have believed. All my prayers are being answered and I am now moving into a fresh new and light-filled phase

I decided back in 1993 during my first breakdown that I would make it through somehow. That faith I invested in God is finally paying off.

I have written this because I felt the need to share my experience and felt inspired to share. Also to show that even someone who was once considered by many to be a social misfit and a lost cause can heal so miraculously and come home to themselves and become something more than they ever dared hope, someone that is loved and respected.

I want to thank everyone on these ning networks who have been there with me through the journey and have helped in many ways, big and small. With friends like you I will surely win through.