In Unity We Are

The LOVE is flowing

Just a few short weeks ago, (no more than 4 or so) I was a wreck. Gripped by intense drug addiction that had consumed me for about 10 months or so, (but the addiction a problem many times for years before that). Mental health problems from being a young child, only made a hundred times worse when the drugs issue became serious in 1993. Living my whole adult life - until now - blundering from trauma to crisis to trauma, before having a chance to recover from the last. Abusive and destructive relationships. Drifting from place to place and staying for a few months before having to move on because I’d screwed up “yet again.” Running and trying to hide from my past, trying to escape it, (it caught up with me eventually…)

To many I was a lost cause. I was a “lost it case” ridiculed and taken seriously by few. But even the very few who stood by despaired for a long time, (and I sense they still need time to believe the change in me is not going to be reversed to my old ways). I don’t blame them I screwed up so many times and repeated the patterns over and over. But this time I feel, I know I am going to prove them all wrong. (And yes, those who ridiculed me, I will allow my ego to feel a little self satisfied). Thankfully those people who sniggered behind my back are no longer around me. But if they saw me now and the person who was always inside, that has now come out…

My life has changed because I have changed from the inside. I first took responsibility for the way my life was, (at last) and that was the first crucial step. Then lots of thinking, healing on myself. All this was the hardest challenge yet, I fought I battled, I struggled. And then I discovered it was simple. When I stopped fighting, battling and struggling. That was all I needed to do. Accept. Accept who I was; mistakes, failings and all. And once I did that everything else just fell into place.

But on the same note, I had to fight and struggle. That is how we grow in strength and we gain our knowledge from the battles and challenges.

So what has leaving all this crappy stuff in the past left me with? Well there is definitely no big empty hole. There may have been a void when it was being cleared out. But I have peace, in my heart and mind. Sure I still have psychological scars. Who wouldn’t have after nearly three decades of mental health problems. But I don’t call them that any more. I am living with them, and when they do crop up, at worst I get a bit angry or paranoid or anxious, but I pull myself out as quick as possible. At best, I laugh at them. I am surrounded by true friends and “real” people who take me seriously and don’t use me as the butt end of their jokes, to my knowledge, (see, I still get the odd paranoid thought). And the physical abundance is flowing. I have a comfortable home with nice things that just enhance my life and financially things are becoming much easier.

But the best and most important thing to me is the love I am feeling flowing through me more and more. When I see someone in pain I feel that pain like it is mine which is hard, but when the love for them is flowing the tears flow. And when I talking spiritual and ning with my ning friends, or having a laugh with them or my non-ning friends, (tongue-twister) it is the highest high, more than any drug ever gave me. And if I do encounter a back stabber or a ridiculer, I may get upset for a few moments then I remember I gave up anger and resentment. I think I am starting to get the hang of this unconditional love thing.

I owe so much of this to these sites and my family here, and I have to give an especially big thank you to those on my ning site who without, I don’t know if I would be here writing this blog. You know who you are…

Anyway, I’ll shut up now, it’s quarter to 4 in the morning here in the UK and I can’t type any more, (thank God for copy and paste…)

I thank and love you all, and wish you all the same Joy I am finding.

Steve. X x